There's a song by a gospel singer named Tye Tribbet that stays in my head all the time right now:
The final lines are so appropos to what's been happening in my life for a few months:
Hit keeps coming after hit
Got me thinking maybe this is it
Got this war going on in my mind...
Christ brought me out so many times why stress
I’ma sing Hallelujah Anyhow through the test
I can't begin to explain this "test" to you fully. At a time when my writing career seemed to be going somewhere at last, everything I counted on to keep my mind right through all that writing got upended.
First, my beloved 21-year-old house, the one I was able to buy despite a post-divorce bankruptcy, the one built from slab up after my daughter, then very, very young, chose it with such glee from all the other models in the subdivision--began to show signs of age.
Water heater and AC system had to be replaced at great expense. Exterior wood and stucco were both also suddenly in need of repair. Even my television and home theater system suddenly had to be replaced. And said home theater system didn't seem to want to connect properly until a simple "digital switch flip" solved the problem after a week or so.
I found myself feeling unmoored and adrift. Mentally, spiritually and even physically when my arthritis flared and there was another medical scare that required testing but turned out to be entirely benign.
I literally curled up into a ball and just cowered a few times. Stopped eating for a day or two, in the thick of it. My 69-year-old mind just couldn't handle so many "hits" coming at once.
But that same elder's mind also knew something it wouldn't have earlier in this life. This was obviously what we believers--and many of you who don't believe per se--call a "test." And they always arrive just when things are looking a wee bit too rosy.
I had to look upon that momentary "crazy" with love, not fear or anger. And believe, even while I was curled up in that little ball of fear and confusion, that I was being "prepared" for something.
I'm not completely safe yet--I still have little "flashbacks" from time to time. But here's another gospel song I rely upon for help:
Tells you sometimes "you have to encourage yourself." And...well, Kim Burrell just makes me do my little Christian Crip Walk all over the house while reminding me that I'm Loved:
Not trying to convert anybody, I'm just telling you that if you've been there...find something that gives you joy and dance with it 'til you get back on that good foot.
Be like me and eat that whole pint of Halo Top for lunch, honey. Sip some sherry or nibble one o' those legal edibles before bedtime to sweeten those dreams. Slouch around in sweats even though the serious quarantine days are over. Watch that movie you don't tell anybody you love so much because they'd give you the stink eye about it.
And you can still say "Halleluyah anyhow" with me if you want, while nobody's lookin'. It's a state of mind that can get you to that state of "grace," even if you're "spiritual not religious." Seriously.
I'm not all the way back...but I've taken the edge of that "test" a little bit. And I can see...oooo, I almost forgot, the "brighter day" promised here--if you don't dance to this one, I can't help you, baby boo. Enjoy!